To much hope to be hopeless...

How many times do I post about not blogging enough? Too many. So this time we won't mention it. Besides now...

Okay, moving on.

I have never written in this blog to publicise my views to the world. I didn't do it to broadcast my personal life for everyone to see. I have been through a lot, a lot more than I talk about actually. And I have found that I when I give too much of my self or tell someone more information than I should, things turn around and bite me in the ass like a wolf sinking its teeth into a steak feast after being starved for months.

With that being said, I went through a lot of personal things. Silly things in my love life and a lot of it I am still not ready to talk about. The story still continues, and it will continue. Who knows how long it is going to drag out or what will happen next? I never have really known what is around the corner, but I keep walking at a steady pace with my head held high. I will take the punches as they come and walk through any storm if it means that I can eventually come to my happiness. Whatever that happiness may be.

I was driving on a beautiful street on my way home today. The street was lined with trees and the houses were a little older, but refinished and well taken care of. The air smelled like spring time... of fresh grass clippings and some kind of fruity lemon and my coconut air freshener. The air was warm and I drove with the music on and Tegan singing along.  (She sounds beautiful when she sings Ingrid Michaelson's "You and I", and if you haven't heard the song yet, I suggest you listen to it now so you can understand the rest..... did you listen? Okay, continue reading.)

The same song played over and over again and she began to remember more of the words and sing along and giggle. My heart was soaring. And some thoughts popped in my head. I want this life. I want to live on a tree lined street, in a unique house that I have made my own. I want a yard and a fence so I can let the kid can run around with the dog while I do my work in the kitchen. I want a beautiful garden in the backyard. I want the view of the valley, so I can watch the sun turn brilliant colors when it sets over the horizon. And I know that is where these things wait for me.

Its there. I dare it all to hide from me much longer. And I came to realize something... it is all going to take a lot of work. I will appreciate it all that much more because of all the stupid shit I went through to get it. I don't have it yet because it isn't ready for me and I am not ready for it, but I have not given up hope. I would love to get married and make my family bigger and one day it will happen... but not yet.

I have not given up hope. I have not given up in general. It would be stupid to do that. How the hell will I get what I know I want and full well deserve if I throw my hands up in the air and quit? I won't!

And, I know I don't have to have all of it alone, but I am prepared if that is the case. So many times I have believed that I really am happy alone and that I don't need anyone else. Then someone comes and makes me change my mind, and then it blows up in my face in one way or another. But something is different this time. I really feel like I am getting to that place where I really don't need someone else.

Don't get me wrong, I want someone there. A certain someone, in fact, but I know that will all take time as well. But I honestly have begun to be happy in my own skin. I am becoming more comfortable with who I am and I have stopped being what others want me to be. And things are falling into place.

Some pieces come more rapidly than others. Some pieces need to be rotated so their shape will fit into my jigsaw puzzle style life, but it is all fitting together.

I have talked about the life I imagine myself having... with the chicken coop and the garden and the dog and kids and camping... did I not mention chickens and camping before now? Well.... there you go. I want chickens when I grow up. Ha.

What was I saying? Oh yes, I have talked about this life with several different people, and different guys have given me different reactions. But only one has talked about wanting all the same things too. Only one has not rolled their eyes and laughed at me. Only one has been genuine with every way they treat me and with how they see their life ending up...

What makes it better is that my heart didn't break when I hugged him and gave him a kiss goodbye this time. I didn't have it in my head that I would never see him again... after years of saying goodbye, knew that it wasn't the end.

It is never the end. Even though things began so long ago, this seems to be the beginning.

It was never really goodbye.

A previously unpublished blog...

Ha ha ha so... I found this when I was going through things to study for finals and I realized I never posted it... It made me realize how clever and witty I can be. And it made me think about a sad time in my life and LAUGH. We all need that every now and again... and it means we've moved on. It's amazing what a little time and space will do. So here you guys go... a blog from a couple years ago that was never posted.

Bliggity Blog

Sunday, Oct. 11, 2009

SO....

I did it again. A stupid lul in my blogging. And I’m sorry... But things were kinda crazy. Want to know what happened? Okay? Okay.

I moved downtown and then moved back to my mom’s house. I made it out for like three weeks, hardly stayed there, didn’t even move my bed up, and I just got everything back into my mom’s house again today. It was hard to do! Anyone that knows me, knows that I want to live in the Avenues in downtown Salt Lake, and that’s right where I was. I could see the hospital from the kitchen window, and we used to sit out on the fire escape. It was near perfect. The air has been getting crisp from the autumn air, and the leaves have been turning colors. I would watch the sunset from the living room or out on the fire escape. But it never really felt like home.

The convience was amazing. It took me less than five minutes to get to work, which meant more sleep for me. Kinda. And it meant a lot less gas too. But honestly? I can’t afford it. I have to much that I need to get to take care of the little one. She’s growing and needs warm clothes, which I got today. Some today anyway. She needs toys to learn and grow, food... Whatever little kids need, and I would have no way to get any of it if I was living out of the house because I would have more bills to take care of.

It would help if Sperm Donor would pitch in every once in a while... Has he bought one diaper? One jar of baby food? No. Nothing. He hasn’t even tried to see how she’s doing or tried to talk to me. I did tell him not to talk to me unless he absolutely had to, and he hasn’t. He made no effort, so I told him just to forget about it. But that’s besides the point. I’m waiting for child support to come, and it’s just a waiting game. I call, they tell me that they’re working on it. I call again, and they’re still working on it. I’ll get a letter when they award me something... Bla bla bla. I’m grateful for the government’s help and all, but I applied in April, and I’m still waiting. Kids cost money, and I could use some help.

OH! And she has two teeth now. On the bottom! I’ve been trying to get a picture, but her little tongue keeps getting in the way. I’ll get one soon. Teething has been really hard... But she’s doing better today.

I wouldn’t give her up for anything, and honestly she is my whole world. I would do all this crap all over again if I had to. When I hear her giggle, it warms my heart. It keeps me going. It helps remind me to keep breathing. I do it all for her. And a little for me to. She forced me to make my life better and to be more picky about who I hang out with. And who I date. Which means pretty much no one. (That’s my excuse for being a loser... and it doesn’t mean that if I haven’t hung out with you that you suck or anything... I promise. If you’re reading this you’re probably on my cool list. Or I don’t know you. That, and I’ve been super busy, in case you can’t tell.)

Oh! I’m working on financial aid stuff with school now too. Which feels good. I hate filling out paperwork, but I have to make sure I get it all done. It means I get an education for less that I would have before, and it will all be worth it. Tiny sidebar with school... I get to take Math 1010. Do you know what class I was taking in high school? Freaking Trig. Seriously?!? That’s what I get for not staying in school. Hopefully it will be a breeze. I figured it out from this website that the school counselor told me to go too, and it’s a good thing she told me to go there, because I tried doing some equations from each class and had no idea what they were trying to get me to do.

2+2 = 4!?! When the hell did that happen?

Whatever. School is school. It will feel good to get back to it.

On the way back from moving my stuff back out of the apartment, (which sucked by the way... Big time. There was a lot of stuff and lots of trips up and down four huge flights of stairs...), I stopped at Taco Bell and got some yummy food. I finally got to the last bit of it just a little bit before I started writing, and my mind wandered while I listened to the TV in the background.

Something about weddings...

Which made my mind wander to the phone calls and e-mails I’ve been getting because I signed up for a mailing list when I tried on wedding dresses back in the day when Mike and I were talking about getting married. I’m going somewhere with this I promise. Taco Bell doesn’t always lead to wedding bells... That would just be weird.

In thinking about the wedding dresses and all that fun stuff, I remembered what scared me and when I realized that I couldn’t marry Mike. That it wasn’t right. I would put on one of the dresses I liked and close my eyes and picture myself walking down the aisle. The flowers... The guests... The venue... The guy... And it wasn’t Mike. He wasn’t there at the end of the aisle. I couldn’t picture it no matter how hard I tried. There was still someone else down there, and he hasn’t left yet. Yes, it’s the Brown Boot.

A raise of hands for everyone who saw that coming? Yeah, everyone. I thought so.

As I’m thinking this, I’m reaching in my Taco Bell bag for a pack of Border Sauce for my massive burrito. And you know how they all have funny little things on them? This one said...

“Will you marry me?”

Really? That has to be coincidence. HAS to be. There is no way. Why do I have to pull out that sauce packet at that moment? The stupid little packet knew what was going through my head, and just glared at me, sticking out it’s tongue.

Neener. Neener. Neener.

You’ll never get this!

My person decided to call it “Bastard Sauce.” Ha ha ha, very fitting.

Can you imagine what would happen to some poor Utah County girl, on a date with her boyfriend? I could totally see her pulling it out, thinking it was a clever proposal idea, while her boyfriend is sitting there in horror as everyone stared at them.

Ten extra points if he was taking her to Taco Bell to break up with her so she wouldn’t make a scene... Uh oh, too late.

I’m going to hell for sure.... That would be terrible! But you have to admit it would be really funny to watch. I’d cry. From laughing so hard. Ha ha ha

OH! And I’m trying to figure out a funny costume idea for Tegan and I for Halloween.... anyone have any ideas? So far, I have White Rabbit and Alice from Alice in Wonderland, and lion and ringleader. But I’m not sure about either one. Maybe Mad Hatter? I dunno.

It's that time of year

I don't know what it is about this time of year.... Colder weather brings memories of holding someone close. Wind blowing reminds single people of being intertwined in the arms of a former lover, and it's when the wind blows and the temperature drops that people start to remember.

Their hearts get lonely. They see the colors of the leaves changing, and they think of me... weather it is because of the memories they had crunching leaves under their feet while walking hand in hand or if it is those same colors that remind them of the color of my hair....

Whatever it is about this time of year is making guys come out of the woodwork. Exes are asking for second, third and fourth chances. Baby daddy is randomly thinking of me and decides to say something after saying nothing for two years. Guys that I thought were gone are starting to appear once again... It always happens after I decide to be done.

There is a three date thing going with me lately, and it's only with new guys that I try to date. Third time isn't the charm in my case... I find a guy that TiVo's football for me - and after three dates he stops contacting me. A guy takes me on a romantic carriage ride at midnight, opens doors for me, and takes me on a picnic - after three dates he stops contacting me. I go on three dates with a wonderful guy and he doesn't stop talking to me... Instead, he invites me to go to Vegas and when I don't answer right away he books the trip with someone else and then doesn't understand why I'm upset. Right after date three.

It doesn't matter what leads to the third date or what happens after then, after three dates they are done. No, I don't sleep with them. It's three strikes and I'm out. And I let it happen. I don't give them excuses. I don't tell them they should give me date number four, because guess what?

.... I shouldn't have to tell them to give me date number four. They should be the one chasing me.

No, that is not old fashioned.

That is how it should be.

I've been to hell and back and I deserve a guy that will see how wonderful and amazing I am without me having to hand them a resume.

I shouldn't have to jump up and down, waving my arms screaming at them to pick me over that other girl.

They should just know.

And if they don't know, they aren't worth it.

If I'm not with someone yet, it's because it's not my time.

I'm a busy girl. I have a lot piled on my very tiny plate, but that doesn't mean it's not worth it. I'm not going to waste time with a guy that won't meet me half way. I'm not going to waste time on a guy that won't open doors for me and get me flowers. It's not because it is an old fashioned thing - it's a respect thing.

I DESERVE to be respected.

I deserve to have someone that will stand outside my window with a radio over their head playing a song that makes them think of me.

I deserve someone that will give me the last slice of my favorite cheesecake.

I deserve someone that will randomly send me flowers at my work because they are thinking of me.

I deserve someone that won't mind keeping me wrapped in their arms because they don't want to be anywhere else.

I deserve someone that isn't afraid to be with me. OR my daughter.

It isn't something that I should have to ask for. It's not like I'm sitting here waiting for it all to happen. I've gone through a lot and have done a lot of very difficult work to get where I am today and to be who I am today. One day, someone will recognize that.

One day, someone will blow me out of the water.

One day, I will make it to date number four.

And after that date? My ladies and I are going to pop open a bottle of champagne.